Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Can we talk? Please don't normalize his behavior!

Can we talk?  I just need to!! I need to talk about what is going on in our country for the past few months. This is what I think, what I think. It's gotten really ugly, name calling, violence increasing and just a sense of distrust and unease. So I want to ask if you voted for Trump, how are you feeling about him lately? Specifically on Saturday when he sent out that crazy tweet where he was "beating up CNN." Did that make you proud? Did you cheer him on and say yeah, you get 'em? Or were you horrified that the dignity of office of President was trampled?

Truth time for me, we are all friends here on Facebook, all 2 billion of us. I did not vote for Trump, never liked the guy. I have always been a Democrat. And I hear you, you didn't like the alternatives, you didn't like the Clintons. And the EMAILS, all the emails!!! But what I will never understand is why the tape of Trump admitting sexual assault wasn't enough for you not to vote for him. Why that didn't turn your stomach to the point of you could never vote for such a predator, such an abuser?      

But Bill had affairs, I can hear you say. Yes, I'll give that to you, but they were consensual, not assault. He didn't just grab someone by the pussy because he was a celebrity. And, and, and, he wasn't running for President, Hillary was. So let's be real, you didn't want to vote for her because she was a woman. You would rather have an admitted pussy grabber in the White House than a woman who devoted her life to public service.

More truth to all my friends here so you can understand where I'm coming from. I was molested when I was 4 by a friend of our family, I was assaulted in college, fast forward thru several suicide attempts, 3 hospitalizations, severe anorexia, suffered with debilitating endometriosis but now I'm leading a wonderful life. I'm not trying to minimize or gloss over these things, but they don't define me, I feel no shame about them. I worked my ass off to get where I am today, did so much work, so much reading and therapy.  Everything that happened to me is part of my story that has led me to be who I am today. I couldn't be me without having gone through those struggles in my 20s. I am happily married to an amazing man, we have 2 wonderful, silly beautiful daughters. I'm living the life I dreamt of but never felt I deserved in my 20s. I feel things very deeply and act very strong, like Mama Bear. I feel healed from these wounds of the past. I feel like one of the lucky ones, some never heal from these kinds of wounds. They are haunted every day. I felt the need to share these parts of my life with you not for pity or praise but for you to understand what kind of fighter I have become. I literally hit the lowest point anyone can hit and I crawled back up. There is no greater fight than that, so I will do whatever I need to do for my children, always, without question.

OK, so Trump is President, I did not vote for him. As a survivor, it makes my skin crawl.  His admission of assault was watered down to "locker room talk." The woman really wanted it. Well, I am here to say that the men I know and respect, would never talk like about any woman.  And that she was asking for it or really wanted it, is just crazy talk. I was 4 when I was first assaulted, so I couldn't have been asking for it. But I remember every detail of the assault in college. I wasn't asking to be pinned down on the bed with my hands over my head so I couldn't get away. He had complete control over me, I struggled but couldn't get away and I consider myself to be a strong woman. He had been a friend. But when people started normalizing what Trump had said, it felt like what I had gone thru and what I had fought for didn't mean anything to anyone. This was the new normal for women was heartbreaking for me and I would just have to deal. I also heard that they were just lying and just coming forward for money. But assault victims don't always come forward right away. I didn't and he wasn't a billionaire. But I wasn't lying about what had happened to me just because I waited to tell people about it.

Now, I consider myself one of the lucky ones, meaning that even though I went thru hell in my 20s and almost didn't make it out, I did! I had wonderful counselors and psychiatrists and friends and family. My faith in God grew so much during my 30s, after I met my husband and I had my daughters. I knew God had a plan for me that I couldn't see. I could begin to thank God for unanswered prayers. I felt at peace. I have so many blessings that I thank God for every day!

It wasn't until Trump's behavior started going off the rails that I started having a problem. Some people call him out on his behavior but he attacks them on Twitter and somehow, none of his advisers, his children or his wife can get him to stop tweeting. I believe those show his real character. He has no respect for women, other races or other religions. He is so incredibly narcissistic, I just can't even. But people still are normalizing his behavior, making excuses for him. "He is new to politics" He is being attacked so he attacks back" I could go on and on. The thing that I always come back to though is that tape with Billy Bush when he said he grabs woman by the  pussy, when your famous they let you do whatever you want. That is assault!!! That is what happened to me and by brushing that aside, by normalizing it, I feel like what has happened to me has also been brushed aside.

I occasionally read his tweets but I'm not a follower.  The tweets he put out make my blood boil, he infuriates me. The morning after the election, my youngest daughter, Emma, burst into tears because she thought that Trump could shoot anyone who disagreed with him. I said no, he couldn't do that. She said "But Mommy, he said he could stand in the middle of the street and shoot someone and no one would care." I was speechless. He had said that, how could I comfort her? He had incited violence at his rallies. His unconstitutional travel ban is SO important to him to get the "evil bad hombres" out of this country. The enforcement, before it was banned was merciless.

This tweet where he wrestles (which by itself is just insane) a man with the CNN logo, incites violence against reporters. Reporters risk their lives to get a story. They should be protected, not bullied by the President who has thin skin and thinks any negative story is fake news. But I think it's not just that, it matters to the people watching and the children. It trickles down.  And the children are watching and it is emboldening people to do things they never would have dreamt of before.

This spring, I got a call from Emma's principal, there had been a incident at school. She wasn't in trouble but in her gym class, they had split into groups to do different activity stations. She was at one with boy and another girl, this boy felt emboldened to run his hand down Emma's back and say "I want to rape you."  They took it very seriously at school and he was punished and they were kept apart for the rest of year. She got counseling at school but didn't really want to talk about it. But normalizing violence, normalizing sexual assault by the President has trickled down to this 10 year old boy to say that he wanted to RAPE my 10 year old daughter.  I am NOT OK with this!! They weren't sure if he knew what it meant, I'm not sure, but Emma knows what it means for some other awful reason. I love our school and our principal. Things like this have never happened before. I did feel sorry for the boy too, what type of environment did he live in that he had heard that phrase and thought it was OK to say to another human. Emma was traumatized by it though, she didn't want to talk about it and she wants to forget it ever happened.

A few weeks later, she came home from school and told me that some boy had brought a toy gun to school. She wanted to tell the teacher but was bullied by her classmates not to tell a teacher. Her classmates said that if she told they wouldn't be her friends anymore, that she always ruined the fun, and all other kinds of bully bullshit. When the teacher finally questioned Emma, she did tell the truth. And when she got home we had a very long talk about telling someone immediately. Toy guns can look real and real guns can look like toys. As it turned it there was no gun at all, thank goodness. But the bullies are in their heyday right now, living the dream, being just like the President of the United States.

We can not normalize his behavior!!! It is not normal!! And politics aside, are you still proud of your President? My daughter is 10 years old and these things are happening in 4th grade. I don't want to fight with you, I probably can't convince you of anything.  I know, THE EMAILS!!! But I want you to know that the President's bullying behavior is trickling down into the schools. It matters!! I'm not sure exactly what to do except to be more involved at school with my girls and know the kids they are with. Chaperone when I can, just be around and pray. I do need to talk to our principal again and see what she is thinking. My children and my friend's children mean the world to me and I will do what I can, whenever I can for them. But it starts at the top and runs down hill. We have an admitted sexual predator as our Commander in Chief, the highest office in the land, what does that say about us and our values as a country?

I know none of this is new news or new information. But I needed to process this somehow and this seemed like a good way for me to start. So there are a lot of other things I could say, but I choosing to just keep it about his behavior right now.

So I don't know where to go from here. We seem to be at an impasse. Civility has broken down. But I do have faith in humanity, that love will win out in the end. This is the same country that elected Barack Obama. I have read so many heartwarming stories about people coming together. I do have faith, but we just have to wait it out and Mama Bear needs to stay out and alert for her girls. My faith is strong and so is the love for my family. So I pray for peace, strength and a way to make a change. I believe with every fiber of my being that love trumps hate every time!!

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

I'm back....

Hello, how are you?  It's been 2 years since I've written, just haven't been sure what to write about. So here is a quick update of what has been going on for the past 2 years.   I have a 7 year old and a 5 year old, Sarah will be starting 2nd grade and Emma will start kindergarten.  I have run 3 1/2 marathons increasing my time each time. My time for my last race in Annapolis was 2 hours 25 minutes.  I'm signed up for another race in October in Atlantic City in October.  I have lost weight, gained it, lost it and then gained it again.  My running was going very very strong last summer, but this spring and summer I have had a harder time finding time to run.  But I need to make that more of a priority.  I started selling lia sophia jewelry and I do ok with that, but I'm certainly not a top seller or anything.

After a very hard winter and spring with Emma's asthma, I think we finally have it under control.  We saw an immunologist at Hopkins and thankfully she doesn't have an immune deficiency.  But that was so stressful waiting for those answers.  She saw a pulmonlogist at Hopkins and he switched some of her medicines and knock on wood, she has been doing very well.  We go back for a followup tomorrow.  I'm hoping that they can take her off some of her medicines. She takes 5 a day and when she is sick that has gone up to 8 a day. So that is my big question for him.
She is very excited for kindergarten in the fall. She is hoping to get the same teacher as Sarah had, we all love her.  We don't find out until the middle of August though.  6 months ago she wouldn't put her face in the water and now she is diving under to get diving sticks and she can swim some under water. She loves it! She didn't do swim team this year but I see it in her future next year.  We are going to sign her up for gymnastics in the fall.  Soccer just wasn't her thing.  She is an excellent drawer and story teller.  She is a very funny little girl.

Sarah had kind of a hard winter too, with Emma being so sick, Sarah felt that Emma had got more special attention and was really acting out.  It was very hard, and I didn't quite know what to do.  She started having separation anxiety from me which she had never had before.  But it was pretty intense, I couldn't walk her to school without a huge fit at the front door.  Luckily we have some wonderful friends who are also walkers so they would walk her into school.  She started seeing a therapist and I think that has really helped her and helped me.  We are still working on impulse control and not hitting, but I'm hoping that will come around soon.
At the end of the school year, my little first grader was tested for 3rd grade math and reading.  She just seems to suck up knowledge.  She is better at math than me, she must get that from her father.  She absolutely loves school.  We don't know any of the 2nd grade teachers, so I'm just hoping for a good one :).
She has been doing swim team this year and is so really well at it.  She is so incredibly determined and positive about it.  I haven't heard a negative thing about it.  A month ago she couldn't do that back stroke at all and last week she swam 25 yards in 46 seconds.  It was amazing!  I think it has given us something to bond over.  I have really enjoyed it myself and I might take swimming lessons this fall.  She is going to RecPlus Soccer this fall.  She will have practice twice a week and then a game on Saturday. One of the practices will be with a professional soccer coach.  It's going to be a busy fall.

Seth is awesome! He is my biggest fan and he is so incredibly supportive me in all aspects.  He may mutter while I'm gone but is so great about helping me find time for my runs.  And he also may mutter about the price of the races, but has always encouraged me to go for it. I know I couldn't do it without him. He is now the official assistant soccer coach for Sarah's team after being the unofficial one this year.

Back to me, I guess, my winter was very hard with both of my girls struggling.  I felt like I was failing as a mother.  It was just devastating and I felt so helpless for both of them. So I went into action to get appointments at Hopkins for Emma and a therapist for Sarah.  That really helped me feel like I was doing something.  Also I realized that to take care of them, I had to take care of myself.  So I went to my doctor and talked to him about what was going on and he put me on some medicine and I think we finally have gotten right.  I giggle and enjoy their laughter.  I play games and help them.  They sometimes really get on my nerves, don't listen and make huge messes that they don't want to clean up. But that feeling of desperation and anxiety has lessened.  I had a fantastic weekend in NYC with my cousins Jessica and Kyler. I just needed a getaway from my icky winter and it was just what I needed.
I'm so glad that I have a race in the fall in Atlantic City. 2 of my friends are going to go with me for a girls weekend and my cousin Jessica might run it with me. It should be fun to run on the boardwalk. , I'm also really hoping to sign up for the Inaugural Navy Air Force Half Marathon in September in DC.  I think I need a goal to keep my running on track, I'm the heaviest I think I have ever been but I think I'm still in pretty good shape. I would love to lose more weight though.  Maybe the medicines are making it even harder.  But I'm not sure I care as much as I used to, don't get me wrong, I want to lose it, but I'm just not feeling as crazy about it.  I still feel like I'm a failure at times.
I ran 5 miles on Monday night, I need to get back on a schedule.  It's so frickin' hot out though that it's hard to run outside which of course would be the easiest thing to do.  I have discovered that I'm a cool weather runner.  It's much more enjoyable for me.  I ran 8 miles on New Year's Day!  Since I started tracking my runs, I have run 1,011 miles which seems unbelievable to me.  Now I need to get on it to get to 2,000 miles. I wonder where I could have run if I just kept going.
So I will check in more frequently, life just feels so busy.  I thought summer would slow down, but it hasn't.  I can't wait for our trips in August.  So life stays busy, always changing.  I think I get one stage down and then everything changes and aren't I lucky for that.  I may struggle but I am so incredibly blessed with a wonderful husband, 2 fantastic little girls, incredible friends and an amazing family.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Life goes on....

I can't believe that the 1/2 Marathon was only a week or so ago.  This recovery week has been a long one.  I think I've felt every emotion from euphoria to deep grief and reached a new level of exhaustion.  And maybe it's because of this exhaustion that every emotion seems deeper. 

I went to see a local production of 'Rent' this week.  It was a great, I went to see it with good friends.  It was at a dinner theater in Columbia.  As I was watching it I couldn't help but think of  Uncle.  It was one of his favorite musicals, if not his favorite.  He talked about it all the time.   He talked about the song 'No Day But Today' while he was preparing for the NYC Marathon and how that song helped him deal with his mother's death and we sang '525,600 Minutes' at his funeral.  I put that song on my Ipod while I was training too, it helped me too.  It was in a theater that he would have loved too.  Anyway, it's hard to see this musical and not think of him.  I held it together for most of it, but I cried all the way home. I ached because I missed him so much!!  I think some of it was just let down from the race, because I was so high on life after the race, that I don't think I let that emotion in.   So it was almost a perfect way to allow me to process the last part of the journey. 

As reality kind of settled back in our house, new emotions showed up, fear, suspicion and anger.  The evening of the marathon, our neighbors from across the street walked over to our house and brought me flowers, which was so incredibly thoughtful.  They walked back to their house and got right in their car and went to a friend's house for dinner.  15 minutes after they left, someone broke into their house, they kicked in the glass on their back door and stole over $10,000 worth of stuff.  My neighbors were apparently being watched.  They went through the house and trashed it, went through the dresser drawers.  Such a huge violation!!  This didn't happen in the middle of the night, this happened at 8:15 in the evening!!!   We were up, I was getting the girls ready for bed and they were watching a movie with my Dad.  We didn't see anything.  The next thing I saw were police cars out in the street.  It was such a shock.  Another house down the street was broken into as well and 2 houses right across from us had their locks tampered with. 

We live in a lovely tight knit community, this has rattled all of us.  It has left me feeling uncomfortable in my own house.  I feel violated even though it wasn't my house, but it was my neighborhood.  Last night, as we were getting ready for bed, we heard a helicopter circling over head for over 20 minutes.  I asked Seth if he had seen anything out the window and he said he hadn't.  I was a little worried, but I wasn't sure I wanted to know what was going on.  I went to sleep and slept soundly. 

This morning as we were walking back to the house after dropping Sarah off at school, our neighbor was waiting for me to tell me about what had happened last night.  Apparently the helicopter was looking for someone who had tried to break into a house a few streets away and he had run away and had run on the path right next to our house.  Our address was on the police scanner!  They did not find him.  But now, they are increasing patrols on our street and hopefully this close call scared him off and the mayhem will stop for awhile or end totally.  We are being a lot more careful, but I'm going to try not to let it control me.  I pray every night to keep us all safe and I have to trust that.  All our neighbors are on the lookout and keeping their eyes open.  I don't want to be afraid in my own home! 

On a happier note, the girls are doing well, having some trouble listening but other than that ok.  They both love school and are so excited about Halloween.  Sarah is going to be Jasmine from Aladdin and Emma is going to be Tiana, from Princess and the Frog.  Emma is coughing again, no fever though.  Hopefully we can keep the sickness away, although it wouldn't be Halloween if Em wasn't sick, she has been sick for every one.  She is having breathing treatments twice a day, keep your fingers crossed that will work. 

We have also jumped into doing some landscaping and it feels good.  I have always hated the shrubs that we in front of our house.  So I chopped them up on Friday, Seth dug them up on Saturday and we bought new shrubs.  On Sunday after church, Seth planted and mulched them, while I raked up leaves with the girls.  We were outside all day, it was great!  I have plans for the other bush in front of our house and the trees on each end of the house!  I'm really enjoying, planning, shopping, cutting and digging these up ourselves.  I didn't think I would enjoy it, but I have loved it! 

So it has been an eventful recovery week, I'm pretty sure that I need to get back to the gym.  I think that is another reason, I've been kind of down this week.  I need to get those endorphins going!   Sign up for the VT City Marathon relay doesn't start until January, but I'm already planning on it!!    But in the mean time, I have a bunch of things to do around here.

Monday, October 18, 2010

2 hours 55 minutes!!

Hello, sorry it has been a while since I wrote, not much going on with my training during the taper weeks.  But on Saturday, I ran and finished the Baltimore 1/2 Marathon in 2 hours and 55 minutes.  It was a beautiful but incredibly windy day.  I felt like I was running into the wind most of the time, my eyes watered and my lungs burned some of the time.  And as I had heard, some of the hills were brutal.  But I really thought of all my family and friends who had encouraged me and that truly helped me keep going. 

To honor Uncle, my cousin Jessica came up with me wearing something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue, since they ran it the day after our wedding 6 years ago and I was running it the day after our anniversary.  So for something blue, I had my shoes and my capris, for something new, I had my Ipod armband, and some SuperGirl silly bands (that were the same "S" shape as Superman - another way to honor my Uncle), for something borrowed, I struggled a bit, but had Seth's car key (which I know is kind of a stretch, but I worked with what I had) and for something old I had a pin from the Statue of Liberty's bicentennial in 1986, I carried that in my pocket, I was afraid it would come off and I would lose it.  But that was also in tribute to Uncle!!   I had also found some New York City stickers, so I put 2 Statue of Liberty stickers and a subway sign sticker on my waist band.  And then I also found some yellow flower stickers, that I'm pretty sure weren't supposed to be buttercups, but that's what I wanted them to be, so I put those on my waist band too. They all stayed on during the race, except one buttercup!   

I met my friend Joni, and her husband Kevin and daughter Chloe at the Light Rail Station at 7:00 and we took the train into the city.  We watched the start of the full marathon, although somehow we missed the guy parachuting out of the helicopter, oh well.  We were off to get Chloe ready for the Kids Fun run.  There was a lot of excitement in the air but I was trying to not let all it all get to me, I just kept saying I was going for a run.  I didn't get to see Chloe run because Seth called and they had made it into the city so I went to meet them. 

We walked over to the starting area, I got into my wave and waiting to cross the starting line.  I saw my family right before I started and it was fantastic.  I was worried about my first couple of miles and my right calf that had been hurting for a week or so.  I wore an Icy Hot Patch on and it seemed to really help.  I got through my first couple of miles with no problems.  I ran through parts of Baltimore I had never been before.  The best part of it was that there were people all along the course, they were out cheering us along.  Kids were out in the street wanting to high five you, it was fantastic!  It really helped and made me smile. 

I had bought a long sleeve shirt to wear under my running shirt, I was worried about the cold and I thought if I got hot, I could just pull up my sleeves.  Well around mile 7, I looked at my hands and my fingers were SO incredibly swollen, my rings hurt.  I couldn't figure out what was going on, I had water at all the water stations and I had just had a cup of Gatorade.  I thought maybe something was wrong with my sodium.  I tried moving them more and putting them over my head.  I was wearing an armband for my Ipod, but both my hands were swollen.  And I was starting to wonder if I should look for a medic or something.  I mean, they were that swollen.  Then a lightbulb went off in my head, that maybe my sleeves that I had pulled up was to tight and that was the problem.  Sure enough, once I pulled them down, the swelling started going down.  Funny now, not so funny at mile 7.

We ran around a lake, that was very pretty and helped to keep things interesting.  As we got closer to the finish line, more and more people were out cheering.  In one neighborhood, they were handing out beer for the "last hill" of the course.  People were handing out gummy bears.  It was very festive!!

Around mile 11, I started getting really tired, I ate some of my Chomps, and that picked me up a bit, I also grabbed a banana at one of the water stations.  That helped some too.   I tried to channel my "inner Kenyan," like my friend Andrea said to me.  And I kept trudging along.  I kept running and in the distance, Camden Yards and the giant Coke sign appeared, so I knew I was close.  But I was really struggling.  As I approached and got about a half mile (maybe not even that far) away from the finish line, I heard my girls, Seth, my Dad, Randy and Charlie cheering me on.  And that is what I really, really needed.  It perked me up so much that I picked up my pace and smiled the rest of the way!  Apparently, Sarah was sad that I "didn't even stop."  The crowds got bigger as I crossed the finished line and they were cheering everyone on. 

Crossing the finish line was a pretty incredible moment!  I sort of wished my family had been there, but was also glad that they were further away to help me get through the last little leg of it.  The clock said 3:14 and I was kind of disappointed that I had finished in over 3 hours, even though I promised myself that I just really wanted to finish it, I really wanted to finish in under 3 hours.  I had hoped for 2:30, but would have been glad for under 3.  When I got home, I checked the website and my chip time said 2 hours 55 minutes, I was so thrilled!!!  Since I was in the last wave to start, it took me that long to get to the start line! 

I met up with my family and we all took the train back to our house for stew.  I wasn't sore, I wasn't tired, but I knew that was coming.  I actually had an amazing amount of energy and I think I was even talking faster than I usually do.  It was a lovely afternoon. 

I'm so grateful that my Dad, Randy and Charlie came down to be here for the race, it meant SO much to me.  Also, this was the first time Seth and the girls had really seen me run.  I felt like Uncle was with me for most of the run, I had asked him several times to be there :)  It was such a magnificent day!!!!  I'm really proud of my 39 year old self!!  And I'm already looking forward to running the Vermont City Marathon as a relay with my cousin Jessica in May!!!  Although I'm not quite ready to run again just yet, my right calf is pretty sore.  And I'm wicked tired!  I'm hoping to get to the gym on Wednesday.  But I will run again!!  I know I can do it!!  And I know that my Uncle is smiling down on his new running niece!!!  I think he would be wicked proud!! 

Thank you all for your incredible support and encouragement over the past few months!! I have been truly overwhelmed!!!  I couldn't have done it without all of you, so thank you, thank you,, thank you from the bottom of my heart!!

Monday, October 4, 2010

Taper Weeks!!

Wow, it's been a while since I've posted.  Since September 16th, I have run 52.8 miles.  YIKES!  And while I'm really proud of that, I think I have reached a new level of exhaustion.  I had very little motivation to do anything else really.  I ran while both girls were at school and on the weekends.  The runs went well for the most part, my left calf has been bothering me though.  It was all I could do to get them to school and we had a couple playdates.  My house was kind of a wreck.  My back had been bothering me too, so I was pretty discouraged even though the running part was going ok.  I really was just happy sitting on the couch, watching my children play, not doing anything.  I'm not sure if I had ever been that tired.  And I just didn't think that I should be. 

On Saturday morning, we got up, Seth took the girls to soccer practice and I headed out for my longest training run, I was scheduled to run for 12 miles!  I was feeling pretty confident, I decided that I was going to try to really push through the first couple of miles and it wasn't fun but it wasn't that bad.  I saw several people wearing the Baltimore Marathon shirts, so I cheered them on when they went past me.  It was sunny and almost chilly, so it felt great while I was running.  Things were tough the first couple of miles and then I hit a great pace.  At mile 9 though I started getting tired and hungry, which hadn't really happened before. I stopped for a moment at the water fountain each lap around.  I finished my 12.2 mile run in 2 hours and 26 minutes with an average pace of a 12 minute mile.  I was pretty excited! 

I guess because my longest run is over now until the marathon, I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.  I know, unless something weird happens, that I will finish the 1/2 marathon.  And it looks like there is a really decent chance I will finish under 3 hours.  I will be ecstatic if I could do it 2 1/2 hours.  So we shall see.  I'm feeling a renewed sense of energy.  Even though it's been cloudy and rainy, things seem brighter around here.  When I got home from the run on Saturday, I even cleaned my house!  Then after church on Sunday, we had friends over for lunch.  My friend Joni is running the 1/2 Marathon too, so we made a game plan for the morning.  Her husband Kevin and their daughter will hang out with Seth, our girls, my Dad, Melissa, Randy and Charlie!!  I can't wait to see everyone!!!  So I'm starting to feel good about the day.  I like having a plan, it makes me feel better. 

I went to Road Runner Sports today and picked up some gels and some chews to try out during my run.  I will try them out on my shorter runs.  Hopefully, they won't upset my belly but will give me that extra needed energy during the race.  I'm afraid I made another rookie mistake, I should have tried these out weeks ago. But hopefully, it will all work out. 

So this week, I have 2, 6 miles runs and then an 8 mile this weekend and then it's even less next week.  It's hard to believe that 2 weeks from now it will all be a memory!  A very happy one, hopefully!!! 

Monday, September 20, 2010

More than I can say....

I ran 11.04 miles in 2 hours and 13 minutes on Saturday!!  It was such a gorgeous day!!  I ran around Centennial Lake again, I just love it there, it is so beautiful!  Seth had played an early game of golf, so I went a little later than I usually do, it was almost 11:00 before I started.  The temp was still pretty cool and there wasn't a cloud in the sky. 

It was a really good run.  Now I don't want to sound to "Pollyanna-ish" or overly dramatic, but I did try to block out my negative thoughts, I tried really hard to stay positive, even with the 2nd mile slump.  I said to myself over and over again "This happens every run, you just need to get through it"  I thought of many of the quotes from Lift Your Sole too (  One quote that stuck out was"Know your limits, not so you can honor them, but so that you can smash them to pieces and reach for magnificence."  (Even if you aren't a runner, you should "like" her on Facebook just so she can send you these wonderful quotes every day).  So this yucky second mile happened, like I knew it would, but it didn't seem quite so awful or last as long.  I'm not sure if it was all the positive thinking, starting out later, the gorgeous day or a combination of all of them, but I felt strong and confident!  Also I didn't keep checking my Ipod for my time, I checked it a few times, but not as often as I usually do.  I just had my good music and the path to keep me company.  I did get tired around mile 9, I took a bite of my Balance bar and I kept going and made it to mile 11!!!  It was glorious! 

One nice thing about Centennial Park is that there is a water fountain on the path.  So with each lap, I would stop quickly and get a drink.  I don't like carrying a bunch of stuff when I'm running so I need to figure out how to stay hydrated and keep my energy up. I was looking at those gels and chews at the store yesterday.  I'm not sure about them.  I need to try them out before I run the marathon, I don't want anything new on the day of the marathon.  I've learned that lesson!  Any suggestions would be helpful!

One cool feature about Blogspot is that it tracks your "stats."  It tracks how many hits you get and from where and the source of the link.  It's very cool but sometimes overwhelming.  People from Russia, Japan, Panama, Brazil and Romania have viewed my blog.  (The person from Romania looked at 13 pages of my blog). I love seeing that someone in France is reading my blog regularly and I hope that it is my sister :)  It all seems crazy and a bit cool!  I have no idea how they have found this little blog.  I do put it up on my Facebook page (most of my family is on FB) and I joined a Mom's Blogger group, but I don't advertise, I don't even tag words in it.  So sometimes when I look at my stats it is overwhelming.  I started this blog to keep my family informed about my progress in training for the Baltimore 1/2 Marathon, nothing more.  I have been completely overwhelmed with the feedback I have gotten and I feel like I have so much support on my journey!  I had no idea that my physical training would have such an emotional component to it.  This blog has been an incredible help to me to process everything along the way!  It's less than a month before the 1/2 Marathon, things could get crazy in these final weeks.  So while I can't tell you how much I appreciate you all reading and commenting on my blog, I can't think who might read it while I'm writing it, especially the people in other countries.  I usually just write about how I am feeling and what is going on at the moment that I write it, which I think is a lot different than other blogs.  My friend Alysia writes this amazing posts about her family, every entry has a title that is a song title too and the lyrics tie into her entry beautifully ( Her blogs usually bring tears to my eyes.  Or my cousin Jeneva's blog ( is written with such thoughtfulness and vivid imagary about her family life that it often brings tears to my eyes too.  Other blogs offer some quirky funny anecdote or a review of some product.  I'm just not that clever, this is just me writing about my life and trying to stay positive and look for the lesson that is before me.

When I signed up to run the 1/2 Marathon, I knew that it would be a huge physical challenge, I just didn't realize it would be such an emotional challenge as well.  I have learned a lot about running, about myself and about life.  I can honestly say that I think that going through this has made me a better person too.  So thank you for taking the time to read this, reading my other posts and being a part of this, it means more than I can ever say.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

I'll be taught how to fly...

Because it's getting so dark out in the morning, I have had to change up my schedule some.  So I dropped both girls off at school and then headed over to Centennial Lake for my run.  I have to admit to my vanity that I really didn't want to drop them off in my workout clothes, but it worked this morning so I will probably do it more often :)

It is another absolutely gorgeous day here!  Not a cloud in the sky and it's that beautiful deep shade of blue.  When I walked up to the lake this morning, it was completely still and it looked like a mirror reflecting back all the trees.   If you didn't know that there was a lake there, you almost couldn't see it.  I wished I had my camera so I could capture it. 

I started out feeling pretty good, I thought since I had been up for a couple of hours and had eaten some that it had really helped.  I was very pleased with how I was doing and then that second mile came upon me and it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I got discouraged and thought what have I gotten myself into, I can't even run 2 miles without any problems.  I was very negative.  Even though this happens just about every run, I still play the same things over and over in my head.  And then I get to 2.7 miles and my endorphins kick in and I'm feeling so much better, by the time I get to 4 miles, I feel like I'm really in a good groove.  And my outlook improves and life is good!  I did 6.18 miles in an hour and fifteen minutes, an average pace of 12'11, I was pleased!  I had to rush home to shower so I could go pick up Emma.  It actually worked out perfect, I was even able to blow dry my hair before I picked her up :)  (Again the vanity is showing)

I need to stop all the negative thoughts at that 2 mile mark.  That is the time when I need to remember all the quotes from the website "Lift Your Sole" ( - which is a website that sells running and inspirational jewelry.  I highly recommend checking them out!  I'm a fan on Facebook so they send me a great quote everyday.  The quote from last night was "Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising ever time we fall."  Confucius  I actually write them down most days in my calendar so I can re-read them when I'm feeling down.  Another one that I really like is "Courage is tiny pieces of fear all glued together."   So this 2 mile mark is really when I need these quotes the most.  I know that I'm not very fast but I ran 11 miles on Saturday and will run another 11 miles this Saturday.  I need to hold my accomplishment close to me and when I start feeling down and discouraged, I need to kick that negative voice out of my head.

This is my favorite quote from that website: "When you come to the edge of all the light you have known and are about to step out into the darkness, Faith is knowing one of two things will happen...there will be something to stand on or you will be taught how to fly." 

Not just in my running, but in life right now, I need to hold on tight to my faith.  I feel enormous love and support from my family, my friends and my new church family.  I'm looking forward to being taught how to fly.